It's Okay to Fail
Ever since I was little, I have always had a tremendous fear of failure. After decades of being yelled at, ridiculed, and humiliated for having learning disabilities and ADHD, I tried to be as perfect as possible. In fact, I wanted to do everything so perfectly that no one could say anything other than, “Wow! How did you do that?”
When it came time to get my driver’s license, I was as prepared as I possibly could be. I passed the written exam and collected lots of driver’s ed hours. I practiced with my parents and even did private lessons. Everyone assured me that I was an excellent, safe driver. I was super confident that when I would go to take the test, I would pass with flying colors. But I forgot one minor detail - my fear of failure.
During the driving test, I was off to a great start. I nailed my parallel parking, made sure to use turn signals properly, and sailed through all of the checkpoints. I was almost crossing the finish line when an 18-wheeler truck popped up and parked in the right lane. I looked to my left, signaled, looked around the truck, and proceeded to drive around the 18-wheeler safely. I thought I was in the clear, but the instructor grabbed the wheel and told me I was too far into the wrong lane. Suddenly, I was completely startled and just seconds away from having a panic attack. I did something wrong and failed that road test. My worst fear came true. I felt like a complete failure.
And, that’s not even the worst part.
I had to take my road test three more times. During the first three tests, I missed the passing mark by five points. I was told that I was too anxious to be behind the wheel. To say that I was embarrassed was an understatement. How could all of the people I drove with tell me I was a great driver, and yet when it came time to the test, I couldn’t hold it together?
When I failed the third test, I turned off my phone immediately. With everyone making fun of me for failing twice before, I didn’t want to tell anyone. I refused to be seen as different. On top of that, I couldn’t stand seeing terrible drivers passing the test on their first try while leaving me behind in the dust. I didn’t want to be the only senior taking the bus to school. I made my mom drive me to a friend’s house so she could drive me to school until I could take my road test again.
For my fourth test, I changed environments, and that seemed to do the trick. When I was finished, I asked the instructor if I passed. He laughed and said, “Yes, you passed. But do you know the word relax?” I said, “Nope! I don’t believe that word has ever been a part of my vocabulary.” But, man oh man, did I do a happy dance!
Everyone made fun of me for failing so many times. But if you asked them who they wanted to drive them around, all those fingers would point to me. Knock on wood, but I have never been pulled over, gotten a ticket, or been in an accident. All things considered, I would say I’m a pretty good driver.
Through this experience, I realized it was alright to fail. Actually, it’s important to fail and understand that it’s not always your fault. A lot of people with learning disabilities and ADHD feel like failures because of unrealistic expectations. It often feels like the world asks us to succeed against all odds. Sometimes we do succeed, and other times we don’t. But when we don’t succeed, we can take it to heart. Having learning disabilities or not, everyone has their ups and downs. It’s a part of being human.
In a sense, I feel like I failed myself by allowing other people to paint the picture of what success looks like for me. Instead of figuring out what it is for me personally, I accepted that version of reality for a long time. I learned that I can create expectations for myself that are realistic for me to achieve and thrive.
Sure, I might have failed the road test a few times. But when it comes to the test of driving every day in real life, I’ve never failed.
I needed to reject that negative self-talk that told me I was going to fail in order for me to succeed. I knew I was a great driver. I knew the rules of the road. I had confidence in my ability to drive. In the end, that is what matters the most.
