Communicating your needs
When you have ADHD and/or learning disabilities we tend to struggle with what feels like the basics in adulting. Maybe you have a hard time cleaning up after yourself, maybe you lose things a lot, you are always late, you forget important dates, you don’t pay attention to what people say, you lash out in frustration or feel rejected, and you might feel irresponsible with money.
When you are faced with these challenges and people express their frustration to you they might even call you lazy, stupid, worthless, tell you that you are not trying hard enough, that you are using the diagnosis as an excuse or assume that you just don’t care. That couldn’t be farther from the truth.
You care deeply, you try as hard as you can to keep up and participate but it’s just not clicking and it leaves you feeling anxious in some way.
I feel like I could write a series of books just on one of these topics alone because there is so much that I would love to help people who don’t have these disabilities understand about how we see the world. But I digress.
I want to be here to remind you that NONE of these challenges I mentioned are your fault. This is the unfortunate reality of having a disability as an adult that people can’t see or understand. It can be incredibly frustrating to explain over and over and the truth is some people will just never understand. But let’s talk about what is in your control and how you can communicate your needs effectively so that when you are in a situation that can be challenging, you can find a way to express it and get the support you need. And before you say “Alex I don’t know what I need” I am going to stop you and remind you that you actually do. But we just need to find a way for you to explain it.
When we go into conversations where we are expressing our needs and what support looks like, it is important to first know what we would like to get out of the conversation. Once we know, we want to intentionally think of the three things below to make these conversations easier for us:
Tangible resources
Tools
Examples you can share
Examples:
You live with someone and have a hard time cleaning up after yourself.
“ I know you are frustrated that I haven’t cleaned up after myself. It can be frustrating for me as well because I would like to but I don’t feel like I have the right tools in place for me to put things away. Can we find a day to think through an organizational system that makes sense for both of us? I know that would help me if I could have clear places for my items to go including the misc items. It would also be helpful if we could establish time that we clean up together each week because I find motivation when I can do it with you”.
You’re not paying attention when someone talks to you.
“ I know you might feel frustrated that I am not listening to you and that I might be missing important details about our conversations. What you say to me is important to me as well and I would like to be more intentional about our conversations so that you can also hear what I have to say as well. It would really help me if you could give me a heads up that you would like to discuss something and you need my attention. That way if I am in the middle of something and cannot participate in that moment, I can let you know “hey I’m ready” or “I could use a few minutes”.
The more intentionally and thoroughly we explain our thoughts, needs and how we best operate and learn, the better chances we have at being understood. How we communicate is so important, but don’t be discouraged if you feel like you aren’t great at it right now. It takes practice just like anything else!
If you want to dive deeper into how to best communicate your needs to those around you let’s have a one-on-one session together where we can dig into personal recommendations and strategies best suited for you.
